What NOT to say to a bereaved parent.

This was actually my first blog topic i wanted to do but i figured with my experience being the reason i decided to start blogging that i should probably tell my story first -- which was done but I'm sure in the future days to come ill be adding more bits and pieces to it. Ever since our beautiful tragedy we of course have had many people saying kind and loving words to us, giving us their condolences, etc. But sometimes i think peoples kindness gets ahead of them and while they're trying to say something to make me/us feel better it just comes out horribly and really angers me. Ive never told someone off or gotten mad at them cause i always understand that what they're saying is just in their best interest and they don't mean any harm and they most likely got lost in their words, so, I should probably start out by saying i am NOT in any way at all asking for sympathy, condolences, or for people to apologize and/or explain themselves for things they've said, many people don't even understand that certain things aren't appropriate to say or may trigger emotions. Its just one of those things that you don't understand at all and can't relate unless you've gone through the same thing, and even many people who have gone through exactly what i have still can't understand cause every person deals with it differently. Im not directing this blog or anything i say towards and one specific person, most of the things on this list are things that have been said to me and others are examples. 

So --

heres 'What NOT to say to a bereaved parent.':

1. Cheer up. -I don't even know what to say to this. You shouldn't tell anyone to cheer up who's gone through a loss no matter who it is or how long its been. NO I'm not going to cheer up and five years from now I'm not going to cheer up and being told that won't make me feel any better. Theres these things called triggers, Its where something triggers an emotion related to your loss, they come out of absolutely no where and you can't control them, sometimes i can't even understand where they're coming from, one day i may be super happy and then all of a sudden i see, hear, smell, or remember something and that i could become an emotional wreck. 

2. You would've been such a good mom (or) You two would've been such good parents.  I correct them saying "um, we still ARE parents." -- "welllll yea they say you're a parent from the moment you get pregnant but you know what i mean" Dude really? Im really pep talking myself right now to not let the ghetto latina start showing in me but please, please tell me, when someones child dies does that child no longer have parents? just cause they're not physically here anymore? Or tell me, if I'm not Levis mom then exactly what relation i am to that beautiful baby boy i gave birth to?

3. Don't worry, your day will come when you can have children. - What?! thats totally irrelevant to my situation. Clearly i CAN have children, but unfortunately he didn't make it to live longer than he did. Having another child isn't going to erase all my feelings that came along with this. Im not worried about not being able to have a full term healthy child in the future, i have faith that it'll happen, but I want Levi.

4. Are you okay? - NO. but thanks for asking at such an awkward time.

5. I know it sucks but, stuff(shit) happens. - No words. Let me just take a second to take in what the f* you just said to me. 

6. Time heals all wounds. - Hmmm, well i beg to differ. Last time i checked, in the past almost 10 weeks that I've been without my son time hasn't been working at all in "healing" me. The sharpness of the grief may change but nothing will heal the emptiness i have in me. 

7. Just have faith. - Sorry to break it to you but grieving isn't a lack of "faith".

8. Atleast. - Starting any sentence with "at least".. at least he didn't have to suffer, at least he was young, atleast you were even able to get pregnant since a lot of people can't. Just…. Just.. stahhhp.

9. Be thankful. - Yes, damn right i AM thankful that i have a son. Is being thankful for him suppose to make me stop being sad that he's no longer here?

10. You can't be sad forever. - i can if i freaking want to. Last time i checked theres absolutely no one in my life that has the right to tell me how and when i can feel a certain way. BYE!

11. I know how you feel i had a miscarriage once. - Actually no you don't know how i feel and Im sorry you went through that, i really, truly am and don't ever wish that on anyone. But like stated before, no you don't know how i feel, miscarriage and stillbirth are different (which i will get to in a second) and I'm not saying my loss is greater than yours, a loss is a loss, but even someone who has gone through what I've gone through may be able to relate but they don't know how i feel, just as i don't know how you felt when that happened to you. 

12. I heard you had a miscarriage. - No, my son was stillBORN. I hate how people just throw that word around like its the norm. 

Miscarriage: end of pregnancy in a stage where the fetus is not capable of surviving outside utero. 

Stillbirth: When a fetus has died in the uterus before being born.

Thats all i can come up with for now peeps, this was more of a 'rant' and i know a lot of people who don't speak up about this and it tears them up inside so i hope this helps some of you as well as helping people understand what we go through and how we feel. Allllll we want is to keep our children's souls alive and make people aware, not be torn down and treated like our children are nothing and that were going to get over it "just like that". 

-anjhel s.s.