On october 21st 2013 -- Michaels (my husband/baby daddy) birthday, he got what was the best and most unforgettable birthday gift i could ever imagine "getting" him. That whole weekend prior i had that feeling, so early that morning i took a pregnancy test AND whata know.. it came up positive!!! Then i took a second one, as if taking another would make me even more surprised or change the results? no.. but i was in such shock and so freaking excited i had to make sure what i was seeing was real. I walked out of the bathroom with my hands over my mouth and my eyes looking like a deer in headlights, i was speechless cause i was that happy! Both of us have always wanted kids, talked about kids, talked about our future revolving around kids -- if it was up to him we would've already had one or two by the time i graduated high school, no joke. BUT lol, i put a no no on that one. Before even getting pregnant id always watch youtube videos on how to announce a pregnancy to people in an exciting way - my excitement was apparently on a different level though so that didn't happen. SO, heres how i told him; i had a camouflage baby onsie (one of the very first ones i ever got - yes i started getting baby stuff before i got pregnant), sealed my pregnancy tests in a ziplock bag and attached it to the front of the onesie. He had work that day so when he got home i let him know i had a gift for him *suspiciciously smiling from ear to ear*, we got ready to go out to eat at one of his favorite restaurants (Minodas in MHC) and then when we were leaving he ended up deciding he wanted to open it now, so were in the front yard sitting down, he unwraps all my fancy shmancy birthday gift wrap and pulls it out, i could see the wheels in his head turning for a few seconds before he goes "..are you.. pregnant..?" with the biggest smile on his face and i said yes and he got up and hugged me and starts laughing (you know that extremely excited feeling where you don't know what to do and can't smile any bigger than you already are so you just laugh? yea, that kind!)
we shared our moment then went out to dinner. From then on it was all about the baby, deciding on names, room themes, baby shower registry, it was all so much fun! I swore the entire time that i was having a girl, i don't know why but i had a gut feeling it was a girl. When i was 19 weeks we had an appointment so we could finally find out the sex of our wittle baby, literally as soon as we walked into the ultrasound room i was thinking "uh oh, my gut don't feel right" then i knew it was a boy, and sure enough they did the ultrasound and i said it was a boy before the ultrasound tech had a chance too. Not gunna lie - i was a little scared a teared up for a bit, it was scary thinking there was going to be mini-michael! lmao. but of course by the end of the day i was more than happy and couldn't wait on meeting my little boy. I took weekly pictures, made captions on how things were going with me and the baby that week, things i was experiencing, how big the baby was and yada yada. Well, i felt my veryyyy first kick on week 17 right when i was waking up in the morning, and i tell you what - from then on this little boy has his set schedule, every single day id feel him kicking the crap out of me in the mornings while i was waking up and then at night while i was falling asleep - and sometimes he'd be late and since it was so routine for me i couldn't fall asleep without feeling him.
So fast forward in some time ~ his cute little baby shower invites had been sent out, we received his bedding for his room, his stroller/carseat, we were alllllmost there towards finishing up his room. the next day Michael and I decided to spend the day together by going out fishing -- we took the dogs, a cooler, etc.. and found a nice little spot where it was just us 4. That morning i noticed that i hadn't felt him kick.. it did cross my mind while we were out cause he was the one fishing and i gave up after awhile and kinda just stood there staring at the sunset taking pics, but i didn't think of it too much. That night came and went, the next day came and went, the day after that came and went.. still had no kicks from my baby boy. But i never thought anything of it, I've heard of women freaking out about not feeling kicks and everything ended up being fine, that it was "normal" for their kicks to be on and off. So on the third night, i just got this god awful feeling and i couldn't sleep so i went into the kitchen and called the emergency room (i left the room cause i didn't want Mike to wake up and freak out), i spoke to my doc and told her what was going on, and she of course said "Its normal this early on for babies to have on and off kicks and he may also be positioned a certain way where you can't feel him" she did say it was okay for me to go in but with her "comforting" words and the hospital being an hour away i decided against it and just made an appt for the next day. I went in and still they told me the same thing she said but i still knew something wasn't right because like i said every single day i felt him at almost the same times. So they're checking for a heart beat, and couldn't find anything so another nurse tries and she's not finding anything, so they send me off to an ultrasound room so they can see him. They pull it up and I'm looking at something no one ever should ever see -- the screen sitting completely still. By this time i still wasn't freaking out (even though i knew deep down what i was looking at) because i think i was still just hanging on to little last bit of hope i had in me and prayed that maybe the screen was frozen or something.. and then they broke it to us "were not seeing a heart beat"….
Ive never in my life felt soooo much pain and emptiness be thrown at me all at once. I broke down. If my husband wasn't there, in all honesty i probably would've passed out. I can think about my story and most days I'm getting better at keeping it together but i haven't told the entire thing as i am right now, so i say this with tears in my eyes. All i remember feeling is Michael holding me and telling me to "just breathe", even one of the nurses had to excuse herself from the room cause she too was crying. They gave us a few minutes alone then came in the doctor to give us her condolences and talk us through what the next process would be -- id have to be induced into labor. she told us that we could either go straight to hospital or we can wait a few days and when were ready we could call and schedule it, well for one - how the hell am i suppose to know when I'm "ready"? and two - i needed time to take in the news i just got, be able to tell family, and hold on to every last moment with my baby boy inside me. The drive home was horrible, an hour long ride of pure numbness, staring into the sir at nothing, couldn't feel a thing, i was in a pure daze. Two days later, after everyone heard the news i decided i wanted to go in - by this time i just couldn't wait to meet him, see which one of us he looked like, hold him, kiss him, talk to him, and just spend time with him. I ended up going in at 8pm - i was a ball of mixed emotions that night, every now and then id get a feeling of excitement - that it was here, i was packing my bags for the hospital, driving to the hospital, filling out hospital paperwork, walking to labor and delivery but within seconds my excitement was turned down by remembering - were not going to be taking home a healthy baby boy. i was all tears going in, watching people look through the glass window of the nursery at the new additions to their family, they see me walking in and give me a friendly smile and all I'm doing is crying.. this isn't fair, why can't that be me looking through that window? So now were in the room, I'm changed, met my group of bereavement nurses - which are nurses who specialize in taking on these kind of situations and know how to help the family through whats happening. I was given some medicine to induce labor and from before getting pregnant I've always had my birth plan - to do it alll natural so that was my plan. By 11 that night my contractions started and only got stronger and more intense from then on, i was soooo uncomfortable and of course with this event being unexpected i never had the chance to learn ways on naturally relieving pain, so i was on my own. I couldn't lay on my back, couldn't lay on my side, couldn't stand or walk, kept telling michael to be quiet whenever he was talking (which i apologized for lol), and started getting reallllll sassy with my nurses who i kept telling to "hurry up" with everything.. oops. One of my plans also was to do a water birth but the hospital i was at didn't allow that but i was able to labor in water for a little bit, i only did about 30 mins before i just wanted to lay in bed again. By this time (16 & 1/2 hrs later) i was becoming more and more exhausted - i kept telling myself to do it and push myself but add physically exhausted on top of mentally and emotionally exhausted from this situation we were already in i couldn't do it - i ended up asking for an epidural. They finally gave it to me about 30 mins later and by that time MAN the pain was crayyy cray! The anesthesiologist had to stop a few times in the middle of my contractions cause i couldn't sit still ~ little did we all know (obviously cause id never had a baby before) that little man was coming! Literally as soon as they left from giving me the epidural i made mike go back and get them cause i felt like all my bones in my tail/pelvic area were guna break off, texted my mom letting her know i was finally feeling comfortable, then i put my hand "down there" (sorry TMI) and he was crowning! I started freaking out and almost crying cause the doc and non of the nurses were back yet, nothing was set up for them to deliver me, and i seriously thought i was about to give birth on my own, all mike said was "anjhel stop freaking out, its okay!" and i stopped lol. a doc and nurse came in, theyre obviously pros at this cause they were dressed, gloved, and had everything in there and ready within seconds of walking in the room. So rewind back about two days ago; thinking about me giving birth was emotional for me, i didn't think id be able to emotionally handle it, not only would i be crying tears of joy for seeing him but also tears of sadness for what happened. Something high and mighty came over me at that moment, id like to give props to my papa for removing all sadness i had in me. I was proud of myself. I watched the whole thing and didn't shed a tear, for once i wasn't sad at all - even seeing my son in that condition, i was happy and filled with pure joy, it was those motherly instincts kicking in too to make sure id take care of my little boy, and my husband, they were all that mattered right then and there. He was placed into my arms and i just stared at him in awe -- so beautiful, precious, tiny, perfect, everything i could of asked for. aaaand he looked completely like michael - michales face was the first thing i seen when looking at him, and that was perfectly fine with me. It was hard for Michael in the beginning - which was expected considering he was so worried about me, my feelings, and making sure i was okay that he wasn't worrying about his own. That didn't last too long before he was holding him, talking and telling him stories, and his face full of smiles and joy.
That little boy, the one who gave us a whole new meaning of life in that first second of meeting him, the one who changed our lives forever, the one who taught us a whole new meaning of love, that precious twelve inch long, one pound and three ounce, perfect little boy ~ was named Levi Richard Sheridan. We made the decision to have him cremated - and he left beautifully and oh so peacefully from this world sleeping, comfortable, and warm -- wearing that same camouflage onsie, a cute little baby hat, wrapped in a baby blanket, and along his side took home with him a cross that his daddy gave him and a letter from the each of us sealed with a kiss in a envelope for him to read only.
Levi Richard Sheridan
Our little Angel
Born sleeping; 2.22.14
@ 6:26pm
12in. & 1lb. 3oz.
We now have the most beautiful guardian angel watching over us; our pride and joy, our son -- who has tiny feet and angel wings <3
-the mother of an angel,
anjhel s.s.
